


Don't be mistaken, my heart's shaken

by purplebullet



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, One-Shot, coming together fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-13
Updated: 2013-12-13
Packaged: 2018-01-04 13:11:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1081408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplebullet/pseuds/purplebullet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not everyone can just throw himself into a relationship like Nagisa can. Least of all Rei.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't be mistaken, my heart's shaken

"What do you know?" Rei snaps angrily. "You're not afraid of anything."

He walks off without casting another glance at Nagisa, or anyone else from the club, and strides into the changing room fuming like he's never done before. With his brain filled to the brim with anger towards Nagisa, Rei changes back into his school uniform, barely bothering to towel himself dry.

There are things Nagisa simply doesn't understand, and naturally this fact is something he doesn't understand either. Unlike him, Rei can't just throw himself into everything without a second thought, without feeling any sort of apprehension. He isn't the same person Nagisa is, not by far, and this one but important difference is another reason why he should be afraid, why he _is_. He can't grasp that Nagisa has no fear of messing everything up, ruining their friendship and perhaps even ruining the club, and not being able to turn this concept into something more comprehenisble is another one of Rei's furies.

He storms out of the changing room and heads to his classroom to sit in his seat angrily, unable to concentrate on any of the work he planned to do after swimming practice. He doesn't realize he put his shirt on the wrong way until a classmate points it out to him.

\- - -

After a very hazy afternoon of lessons, Rei finds Nagisa waiting at his locker, seemingly absorbed in reading Rei's name on the little paper. That is, until Rei arrives and exchanges his inside shoes for his outside ones, all the while keeping his eyes on anything and anyone that isn't Nagisa. He sees the smile Nagisa is giving him anyway.

"Rei-chan, let's go for ice cream!"

"I'm afraid I have too much homework," Rei says. It feels like a dirty lie even if he is telling the truth. He gives Nagisa a curt bow. "If you'll excuse me."

"Rei-chan!"

Rei has nearly made it outside when Nagisa's scandalized voice reaches him. Because it's his first time hearing Nagisa say his name in such a tone of voice, Rei stops and turns around. Nagisa looks positively gloomy, if not on the brink of tears, but Rei doesn't falter despite the twinge of guilt pulling at his stomach.

"Let's eat ice cream. My treat."

"I have ho--"

"You can do it at my place!" Nagisa interrupts. Is that desperation in his voice or is it Rei's imagination? (Or, and this thought is more terrifying, is it Nagisa playing it up to gain sympathy?)

"I thought we were going to eat ice cream?" Rei asks when it occurs to him. He raises a questioning eyebrow.

"I have ice cream at home," Nagisa replies immediately, like he was planning to take Rei there all along (and it wouldn't be surprising). "Let's go, okay? You can help me with my math homework."

Rei sighs. "Alright," he says, and tells himself he's agreeing because he can't leave a fellow student in need.

Truth is, he simply can't leave Nagisa.

\- - -

They walk to the train station in silence. Waiting for their train to arrive happens in the same circumstances and so does riding the train, but that's mostly due to Rei who ducked his head in his mathematics book the moment he sat down. He's preparing to help Nagisa, he makes himself believe.

When the train stops and Nagisa gets up to go, Rei hesitates. Then Nagisa looks back at him with a glance over his shoulder and it's the uncertainty in his eyes -- Rei's definitely not imagining it now -- that has Rei standing from his seat and following him outside. The air that hits him is cold and relentless, and he wonders why of all things Nagisa suggested to eat ice cream during winter.

"Come on," Nagisa says kindly, a soft smile on his face. Rei shivers at the wind blowing its way into his coat when the train departs. He lets the warmth in Nagisa's voice carry him through the harsh weather, over the path he's walked numerous of times, towards the large house that somehow reminds Rei of his own despite the very few similarities. Perhaps it's the way he feels when he steps inside it. Like he's home.

It's unusually quiet in the house. Nagisa notices it too and has Rei trailing his movements around the first floor, from the living room to the dining room to the kitchen -- Nagisa doesn't bother looking for a sign of life in the storage room.

"Over there," Rei speaks up during their second round in the kitchen. Nagisa stops and stares at Rei before realizing he's pointing at something on the counter, a piece of paper with words neatly written on to it. For being such a wild child himself, sometimes it's a surprise to know Nagisa's parents are the complete opposite of him. Except for his dad, who tends to make a mess of things quite easily.

Nagisa reads the message his parents left him, crumples the paper in his hand when he's finished and throws it in the bin next to the fridge. With his back towards him, Rei isn't sure what kind of expression Nagisa is wearing. He doesn't look any different from his usual self when he turns towards Rei, causing him to think that perhaps his imagination is running wild today.

"Ice cream!" Nagisa says cheerfully, and he opens the freezer and begins to dig out one random frozen food after the other. "I hope you like strawberry! There's also vanilla but it's my favorite so I can't give it to you."

Rei would smile if he wasn't so tense. "That's fine. Thank you," he says. He hasn't forgotten his manners even if this situation kind of makes him want to jump out of his skin.

"A-ha! Got it!"

Nagisa pulls two full ice cream boxes out of the freezer and stuffs everything else back in, in such a way that Rei winces in sympathy for the next time Nagisa's mother opens it.

"Let's go," Nagisa says after he's grabbed two tea spoons, and he exits the kitchen without waiting for a reply, assuming Rei will follow. He does.

Every step up the stairs to Nagisa's bedroom feels like some kind of death sentence. Rei has no idea what's going to happen once they're seated and eating the ice cream -- straight out of the box apparently, which Rei knows Nagisa's mother won't like either. He sure isn't about to start talking, for there is nothing to say. He could apologize for his earlier outburst but... he genuinely feels he was in the right. Nagisa _isn't_ scared of anything so what right does he have to tell Rei in that airy tone of his to relax and just 'go with it'?

Nagisa takes a seat against the side of his bed, still keeping his mouth shut, and starts on the ice cream. Rei awkwardly sits beside him, with more than the usual distance between them, and does the same, though less... enthusiastically than Nagisa. He'd rather have vanilla than strawberry, but this is Nagisa's house and it isn't the time to ask for favors anyway, even if it's just to share food. Rei knows better, or thinks he does.

They don't talk for what feels like a long time.

"Rei-chan..."

Rei, who has been studying the carpet beneath him continuously, faces Nagisa with caution. What he sees is what he thought he'd heard in Nagisa's voice not too long ago -- desperation.

"Rei-chan, I don't know what to do," Nagisa says sadly. The smudges of ice cream by his mouth don't do anything to stop Rei's resolve from wavering. "I thought if I'd confess to you we'd be together, but even though you said you liked me you... I..." Rei's heart actually seems to break when he realizes Nagisa is crying too hard to continue. His hand is reaching out to Nagisa before he's fully aware of it.

"Nagisa-kun--"

Nagisa jumps into his arms, knocking over both their ice cream boxes in the process, and cries into Rei's neck. The words he's babbling aren't making much sense, but Rei can understand snippets here and there. They mostly involve Nagisa willing to do anything for Rei, that he can't stand it anymore, he felt bad all day after Rei stormed off and he likes Rei, he likes him so, so much that every minute spent without Rei is time wasted, and maybe Rei knows Nagisa better than he thought he did because he pretty much understands every gibberish word Nagisa is sprouting.

"Nagisa-kun," Rei says once the word vomit has as good as stopped, and Nagisa is left to hiccups that shouldn't be as adorable as they are. "Calm down, alright?"

Nagisa nods against him. Rei takes a calming breath himself -- he can use it -- and tries not to notice how tight his throat has become. He only raises his arms to return the hug after he's sure he won't burst into tears as well, and holds Nagisa for as long as he oughts necessary.

It's past eight o'clock by the time they separate. Rei has to return a few concerned calls from his mother while Nagisa cleans up the mess he's made with surprising skill. When Rei has assured his mom he isn't dead and on his way home for dinner, Nagisa's head snaps up from his task in panic, so Rei ends up asking if he can't stay with Nagisa for the night even though he has none of the necessary things with him to do that. But he's allowed to stay nevertheless and when Nagisa's shoulders relax and he resumes mopping up the melted ice cream from the carpet, Rei knows it's worth the trouble.

\- - -

They haven't talked about it yet by next morning. After Nagisa's, well, breakdown, Rei did everything to avoid the subject and Nagisa went along with it easily. He didn't seem embarrassed by his earlier outburst -- he has as much shame as he has fear -- which had led Rei to thinking that Nagisa didn't need any kind of distraction and was letting Rei do it for his own benefit. Rei had pushed that thought aside rather quickly and had focused on the conversation they'd been having at the time -- something about comparing every member from the swim club to animals.

The air between them feels much lighter on their way to the station. Rei's steps don't feel as heavy in the snow that fell last night, and while his toes are getting cold at least his heart is warm. (It's such a cheesy thing to think that Rei has to try very hard to suppress a blush. He wouldn't want Nagisa asking questions.)

"Thanks for helping me with my homework yesterday," Nagisa says into the comfortable silence. He's looking ahead with his head held high; it's almost as if yesterday never happened. "I would have been lost without you."

The smile that had been forming on Rei's lips freezes.

"Sorry."

"No," Rei manages, "it's fine." The air in his lungs begins to cool down, but he doesn't let it on. "I am the one who should apologize."

"You're not," Nagisa says quickly. "I was--"

"No," Rei says again. He can't seem to stop himself from talking, from words spilling out of him. "I'm sorry about my reaction, and about what I said at the pool. I didn't..."

"You did mean it," Nagisa says, which has Rei wondering if they've connected telepathically like Makoto and Haruka. "Though I didn't really get it, to be honest."

It's the little laugh that pushes Rei to look at Nagisa. No tears visible this time, nor does it look like they're about to appear, but Nagisa's uncomfortable, out of his depth. At least Rei isn't the only one then.

Their conversation at the pool the day before comes back to him when Nagisa's words sink in.

(" _If we both like each other, there's nothing to fear, right?"_

_Rei watched Nagisa's feet barely in the water. He gripped the edge of the pool. "There is plenty to fear."_

_"Rei-chan," Nagisa laughed, "don't worry so much. Just relax and go with it. It'll be great, you'll see."_

_"What do you know?" Rei snapped. His heart pounded in his throat. "You're not afraid of anything."_ )

"Do you really think I'm never afraid?" Nagisa asks. He doesn't give Rei the time to answer and laughs, pulling up his scarf so it covers his chin. "That's impossible."

"When were you afraid then?" Rei asks. He has to know. If there is anything in this world he needs an answer to, it's this.

"Plenty of times," Nagisa laughs. He stops once he catches sight of Rei's face. He clears his throat, looks in front of him again. "Plenty of times," he says, shrugging.

"When?"

"When you first tried swimming." His voice has gone soft, as if to share a secret. "I was afraid you were going to quit because you couldn't find your strength."

"You could have easily found someone else to join the team," Rei says, but he doesn't get further than that as Nagisa is looking at him like he's gone crazy. "What?"

"I wasn't afraid because of _that_ ," Nagisa says. "I didn't want you to go because I liked you."

"Oh." Rei can't stop himself from blushing this time. He lowers his head and watches his feet tread in the snow. "I see," he mumbles.

"I didn't _like_ like you," Nagisa says. "Not yet at least. But I liked you. And I didn't want to see you go."

Rei doesn't know how to respond to that, so he just nods. Each step the both of them take gives a crunchy sort of sound. Rei always liked winter because of this, and because he likes building snowmen. Maybe they'll do that with the club now that the pool is likely to be frozen. Yesterday was enough of a hell just to be outside in swim wear, even though it wasn't nearly as cold as today -- but he still isn't going to let anyone persuade him into changing into his gear again.

"Have there been other times you were... scared?"

"Of course," Nagisa replies swiftly. "When Mako-chan and Haru-chan left to go to high school, I was scared I'd never see them again, let alone swim with them. I was scared when Rin-chan left for Australia, or that time you talked about your first crush -- I was sure I wouldn't stand a chance."

"Wait, I never talked about my first crush." Rei can hardly remember her, only that she had long, brown hair and cute, crooked teeth.

Nagisa is smiling sheepishly when Rei looks over. "You told Haru-chan and he told me. I really had to bully him into spilling it."

Rei frowns. "Why would you do that?"

"I needed to know what I was up against, didn't I?"

Bewildered, Rei pushes his glasses further up his nose. "Sometimes you make no sense at all."

Nagisa laughs. "I know, right?"

They arrive at the station, Rei feeling a lot lighter than he thought he would once the conversation got going. His heart is at ease once more, the air in his lungs warming up considerably even though that's scientifically impossible. He knows it's all in his head. He doesn't mind.

\- - -

So Nagisa gets scared too. It's brand new information and unexpected as well, but it helps greatly in Rei's search for a good solution to this situation he's in. If there existed a mathmetical equation for it then he's certain the outcome would be different for everyone, as people are likely to want different things depending on who or what else is in the equation. Rei only knows he wants to end up with something positive, though the details are fuzzy. It's a start.

\- - -

Haruka is sulking in the corner Makoto put him in after he was dragged away from the pool, which was indeed frozen. Rei is kind of impressed with himself to be sitting at a table with these people; two of them are senpai and the other is Nagisa, who is impressive in a whole other, but no less important, manner. Gou is sitting with her friends, though she stayed for a little chat when passing the guys' table, mainly to tell Haruka that they really can't afford to lose him due to a cold -- or worse -- right now, so he is strictly forbidden to even go near the pool. It didn't do wonders for his already sulky behavior.

"Aah, I don't wanna get up to throw my trash away," Nagisa sighs, slumping in his seat. "Rei-chan, you do it."

"I'm not your slave," Rei replies promptly. He stuffs his mouth with his last piece of onigiri and takes his time relishing in it. His mom always knows exactly what filling he craves for.

"Then Mako-chan, you do it," Nagisa says. He shoves his candy wrappings towards Makoto, who is already half out of his seat. Rei is certain he's never met anyone kinder, and it only increases the amount of respect he has for Makoto.

"Come on, Haru," Makoto says, putting a hand on Haruka's shoulder. "Help me out with the trash, will you?"

Haruka does so wordlessly even though there's not that much trash to throw away, a thought that comes to Rei a tad too late. They left so he and Nagisa can be alone. Oh god.

"Ah, it seems I have some things to get rid of myself," Rei says, feigning forgetfulness. He picks the plastic wrapper his mom put around the onigiri and shows it to Nagisa. "I'll just go and--"

He doesn't get the opportunity to leave.

"Rei-chan."

Rei closes his eyes. Swallows. He looks at Nagisa. "Yes?"

Tentatively, Nagisa reaches out a hand. Rei pulls his own out of the way but allows Nagisa to touch his arm, let his hand rest there.

"Rei-chan."

God, sometimes it's like he's doing this on purpose just to embarrass Rei in front of the entire school. He chose the perfect day for it, when it's too cold to sit out on the roof top and they had to go to the cafeteria like everyone else.

"Yes, Nagisa-kun?"

"Go out with me."

If it had been anyone else, Rei would have wondered about the meaning, if there was a different intention hidden there. With Nagisa, he's certain there's a different intention.

"What if..." Rei lowers his voice -- it's bad enough with so many people surrounding them, he doesn't need them to hear every word too. "What if we don't... work out?"

"What makes you think we won't?"

Rei's mouth opens, and nothing comes out. He knows they're two entirely different people, that Nagisa is loud while Rei is quiet; that Nagisa is adventurous and Rei only is because he's forced to be by Nagisa; that Nagisa brings disorder which Rei has to put straight again; that Nagisa is so much Rei isn't and the other way around.

But Nagisa can be quiet, like Rei. He can be the one to be dragged away by Rei to have another kind of adventure, involving computers and science and a lot of math. Nagisa can be orderly and if he can't there are times he cleans up his own mess, so Rei doesn't have to. And Nagisa is Nagisa, and Rei wouldn't have him other way.

When he gets back to himself, Rei notices Nagisa's hand is holding on to his. When he looks him in the eyes, Nagisa's seem to be sparkling.

"Let's go out," Rei says, surprising himself with it. He's cold and warm at the same time, his heart is about to leap out of his mouth and run a few laps around the cafeteria, but Nagisa is here, he's holding his hand, smiling, and he isn't about to go anywhere. Rei knows it, feels it like he can feel the heat of Nagisa's skin seeping into his own, and finally, he breaks out into a smile of his own.

"What can go wrong, right?"

Fear, Rei decides, is something he can't get rid of. But with Nagisa by his side, at least he won't be afraid by himself.

\- - -

The past few weeks have been the best of Nagisa's high school life. Ever since he started officially dating Rei nothing has gone wrong and while he knows he's naïve for thinking nothing _will_ go wrong, he believes it nevertheless. If he can muster up the courage every day before and after school to hold hands with Rei on the train, then Nagisa can handle anything.

He's convinced of it, until the perfect moment arrives for their first kiss.

They're spending more time together in the weekend since that day in the cafeteria and today, on one of Rei's whims, they went to the park hoping to find enough snow there to make a snowman. They weren't the only ones there but they are now that it's getting dark and the families have left for home, the unattended kids also gone because they have an early curfew. Nagisa is glad he and Rei don't, since it gives him more time to cuddle up to him on the park bench, never mind that his butt is frozen.

The rest of his body freezes along (though figuratively, thank god) when Nagisa realizes they may not get a better moment at this. Sure, they've been hanging out in each other's bedrooms more often than Nagisa can count, but there's never really any romance going on then, while now... It can't be more perfect. And naturally this is the very moment Nagisa chooses to let fear win out. If Rei only knew.

"Too bad I didn't bring my camera," Nagisa says, in an attempt to distract himself from his hammering heart. "It's a really great snowman."

"We took pictures with our phones," Rei reminds him. He's gone completely soft, leaning against Nagisa, giving warmth. If Nagisa dared to he'd think of more ways to tire Rei out. Too bad his mind tends to skip to more mature ideas.

"Hey."

"Why are you whispering?"

Nagisa purses his lips, displeased. "I'm just trying to be romantic." He watches Rei carefully for a reaction. None; he doesn't even open his eyes. Nagisa tries again, nudges him with his knee this time. "Hey."

"Yes?"

Does Rei realize how charming his polite speech is? Even though they're dating, he hasn't dropped it once.

"Aren't your hands cold?" Nagisa asks. "It's pretty late."

"What does one have to do with the other?"

"The later it gets, the colder, right?"

"Right."

Silence. It'd be creepy if there weren't any lights.

"So?"

"So what?"

"So are your hands cold? I can warm them up for you if you want."

Rei lazily raises his hands. "I'm wearing gloves."

Nagisa nearly rips them off. Luckily for Rei he has self-control, though it's very difficult to maintain at the moment.

"Still," he presses. "You could be cold."

Rei opens his eyes at last. He peers suspiciously at Nagisa and, to Nagisa's horror, begins to smile. "If you want to hold hands so badly you can just ask."

If he notices the tips of Nagisa's ears turning red he'll say it's because of the cold. It is because of the cold.

"I don't!" Nagisa squeaks (he'll deny that too). "I was worrying about you, that's all! I wouldn't want your hands to freeze and fall off!"

One of said hands, safely wrapped in a soft glove that Nagisa now remembers he gave to Rei as an early Christmas present, finds its way to Nagisa's cheek. Rei has turned towards him and is regarding him with a fond smile. It sure is hot for a typical winter evening.

"I'd very much like to kiss you," Rei says in a low voice. He's already leaning in before his request registers with Nagisa, who finds himself to be a fumbling mess at a crucial moment.

"Yes," he eventually breathes out onto Rei's mouth, a fraction before their lips meet. Nagisa's eyes slide shut and he covers Rei's hand with his own, bare and un-gloved because he wanted an excuse to hold hands with Rei. Now, it's the last thing on his mind.

\- - -

It's funny how Rei turns out to be the one to take the initiative most of the time, except it's not funny at all. Nagisa almost had to convince the guy to merely start dating him, and it's so not okay that now Rei is pulling Nagisa close for kisses all the time. (Nagisa is still the one to cling to Rei in what Rei calls a 'suffocating hug', but it's not the same.) So, the solution is simple: Nagisa has to start kissing Rei before Rei can kiss him.

Now if only he wasn't such a wuss.

"Just do it," is Haru's advice right before he shuts the bathroom door not too kindly.

"But Haru-chan," Nagisa whines through the door, "I can't just _do_ it! I need to have a reason!"

"You're dating, arent you? Isn't that reason enough?"

That, surprisingly, is a very good point. And Nagisa is a very big idiot.

\- - -

Whatever has gotten into Nagisa, Rei isn't going to complain as long as he keeps up those sweet, deep kisses of his. Nagisa can give them whenever, wherever, no matter how likely they are to get caught by classmates or the other club members.

They actually do get caught by one of the Iwatobi swimmers. It's Haruka, who returned to the changing room for some reason and walks right in on Nagisa sweeping Rei into a very passionate kiss. Rei doesn't realize they have an audience of one until Nagisa, who has crawled onto his lap, takes a look behind his shoulder and squeals out Haruka's name.

Rei has thrown Nagisa off before he can stop himself. He regrets it immediately -- with Nagisa no longer blocking the view, Rei is confronted directly with Haruka's reaction. His eyes are a bit wider than usual but other than that there is no change. No one speaks for a few tense seconds.

"I forgot my towel," Haruka says at last. He turns around abruptly. "I'll come back later."

Without listening to the protests of either Nagisa or Rei, that it's fine to come in and grab what he needs, Haruka leaves the changing room and closes the door behind him.

"We need a lock," Nagisa pipes up.

"No, we don't!" Rei says, his voice higher than normal. "You need to not kiss me in public places!"

Nagisa turns to him with huge puppy eyes that are not by far as innocent as they seem to be. "But you like it when I kiss you."

"Not if there's a risk at getting caught," Rei replies tensely, ignoring how his face is growing hotter.

"Are you sure?" Nagisa whispers seductively. He slides over until his thigh is pressing against Rei's, and if Rei was clever he'd move away right now. The thing is, he's gotten quite competitive ever since joining the swim club. And, well, it's Nagisa, and they're alone. Haruka will make sure no one will disturb them anymore, at least not today. And Nagisa is leaning up towards him, eager and willing and so clearly in love with Rei.

Rei would be a fool not to give in.


End file.
